Flashback
by Depraved Doll
Summary: There had been a time in Zack's life when everything had fit together so perfectly, he was far from that time now and as he stands watching his world fall apart the only person whose forgiveness really matters to him is Cloud's... ZxC
1. Chapter 1

_**Flashback**_

**_XxxxXxxxX_**

There had been a time in Zack's life when everything had fit together so perfectly, it had been that time just before he'd made 1st Class, Angeal was mentoring him, ShinRa was at the peak of its life, he'd never have guessed that it was all about to go so horribly wrong and that the fall from the top could be so painful, he'd never have thought it could have shredded his heart the way it had. He had lost Angeal, Sephiroth, ShinRa, Aeris and as he stood in Hojo's lab, beneath ShinRa manor, Cloud crumpled in his arms and Mako filling his lungs he didn't know where he planned on going from there. He had travelled for what felt like an eternity, aimless, uncertain, yelling to the heaven's for some sort of guidance, Angeal hadn't answered him and he felt so alone.

He gripped tightly to Cloud in the night, trying to rip the boy from his Mako poisoning; they'd lay beneath the stars, Zack's hand entwined in the boys hair, focusing on the soft breathing that seemed barely there, he'd whisper stories, told him everything and anything until his words ran dry and with each day that passed he worried more that the boy wouldn't ever pull out of his comatose state, he was completely dependent on Zack and the elder willingly did everything for the blonde, for the way that he made his heart flutter in his chest, the soft feelings that had been so quiet at first but grew with each day, he tried so desperately not to put a word to those feelings, had tried to forget the kiss he had placed to soft lips when he had gently changed the boys Mako soaked clothing to the SOLDIER uniform he was now adorned in.

As the days had passed though he began to feel more and more helpless and Cissnei had smiled and been warm but he had disliked the way her gaze had lingered on Cloud, as if he were some fascinating experiment, he had questioned her humanity in that instance, wondering if she were just like Hojo, just like all those other Turks and ShinRa employee's the one's that asked no questions, that smiled and pretended they hadn't seen, Zack was disgusted to think he had once been so similar. She had left with her humanity and the elder had found solace in that,

When he had been left with Cloud again, burying his face into the boy's silken hair, everything had ebbed away until it was just the two of them and Zack swore that Cloud's hand had flinched against his chest. That his lips had moved against his neck, if not then he wasn't sure how to explain the soft moan that had slipped from his throat.

He had been at his lowest when Reno had come to him with a smile and a cigarette that the SOLDIER never touched, Reno's aquamarine eyes had softened when they fell on Cloud and he explained how he had tried to save them, Zack remembered the pages from the researchers diary scattered around the house, he had always assumed they had referred to Tsueng, he was grateful to Reno for the attempt, even more so at the way he looked at Cloud with the same shame and self-loathing that he himself did.

"I'm here to offer an alternative," the redhead had smirked around his cigarette, the smoke stretching up to the stars above and Zack followed it carelessly with his eyes, his hand secretly entwined with Cloud's own behind his back, out of Reno's eyesight.

"Oh yeah, what would that be, I don't fancy going back to being a lab rat," Reno shrugged and took another drag from his cigarette.

"Well ShinRa are going to kill you if you don't," Zack's eyes flared dangerously, "that's why I said alternative, gotta start payin' attention, I do talk serious from time to time." Their eyes locked and Zack's hand gripped Cloud's a little tighter, even allowing himself to believe that the limp grip had tightened back.

"Well then what could you possibly offer, you work for ShinRa right? Surely there's nothing you can do to help without putting your own job on the line." Reno chuckled rolling his eyes and lifting the cigarette from his lips to where he stubbed it out on the ground in between the bark and grass.

"I work for _A_ ShinRa yes, the one making you this deal, Rufus Shinra, surely you've heard of him,"

"The President's son?" a nod, shock of red stark against the darkness,

"That's the one, look we're no fools, we know ShinRa's falling apart at the seams there are no First Class left, they've lost their Hero, presumed dead actually insane arsonist, there are no elite, all they're left with is grunt's barely following orders, Lazard's gone and they're holding onto the last few reigns that haven't snapped. The President has no idea how to run the company, how to fix this, they've got terrorists blowing up reactors, scientists experimenting beyond their means, Rufus plans to sit by and watch everything fall, only to rise from the ashes and rebuild a new ShinRa, a beneficial one, we're not the bad guys Zack,"

"What do you want from us?" he asked pulling Cloud a little bit closer,

"Rufus wants a First Class SOLDIER, the last, think of it as being a bodyguard, you do what he says and he'll lift the price from your head, take away the death sentence and he'll fix your friend so he can walk and talk again,"

"I didn't see a choice in there," Reno shrugged lighting up another cigarette,

"There's always a choice Zack but I'm letting you know this offer ain't a bad one, trust me I've seen a lot of bad offers in my time," Blue/violet eyes narrowed, Mako flaring softly,

"What about Cloud?" aquamarine eyes looked sullen for a moment,

"We fix him up and send him on his way," Zack's eyes narrowed his grip on the boys hand so tight it threatened to break,

"I'm not abandoning him," he all but growled, and Reno lifted his hands defensively,

"I'm not sure what state he'll end up in Zack... Mako poisoning... well you've seen it before haven't you," _freedom sure is pricey, _he glanced at Cloud briefly, tracing the contours of the blonde's face with his eyes and the worsening condition of the boys health had pushed him to make a decision he normally wouldn't have. He said yes to Reno, to Rufus Shinra and wondered if he'd sold both himself and Cloud out to the devil but then he presumed that he'd already done that with the old ShinRa, how many things had he pretended not to see, had he left unmentioned, it had just been the SOLDIER way, they had people to do the thinking, he was to do the fighting, no questions asked, that had been the way they'd always liked it. He didn't feel truly human anymore,

Rufus Shinra had kept to his word in some twisted way, he'd fixed Cloud as best he could, his scientists and doctors piecing the boy back together, whenever Zack had looked at him though the recognition had been void in the shimmering sapphire eyes and he came away each and every time with a heavy heart. The rumour had been spread that Zack had been killed, shot down on a cliff outside of Midgar, no one had questioned it even with the lack of a body and the way Rufus Shinra's bodyguard sounded and looked surprisingly similar, he was kept out of view for the most part, watching as the world began to fall apart.

He had been watching over Cloud, the figure never moving as he spoke words that Angeal had once spoken to him, a hand had fallen on his shoulder and he had glanced up to meet aquamarine eyes and striking red. Reno had smiled and sat beside him, watching Zack more so that the blonde, he sighed heavily, his words weighing on his heart,

"He won't get any better here, with you," it had took everything he possessed to stop himself from slamming Reno against the wall so hard that his head caved in,

"I'm all he's got," he snarled at the other, teeth clenched dangerously and Reno's eyes softened, pleading to be listened to,

"He's all you've got, and I get it, I really do, but is this how you want him to be, he barely remembers who _**he **_is let alone who _**you **_are, there is nothing more we can do for him and keeping him here, with you... with us... is hindering his recovery." He watched Reno's mouth move, listened to the words as they tumbled from his cigarette stained lips and the pain in his heart showed in his eyes, he didn't wish to let Cloud go, but the boy had no memory of him, he stared at him as if he were a stranger and he's not sure what hurt more. "It's up to you Zack," he mumbled, standing and leaving with a sigh and the dark haired male watched him go, he waited for a heartbeat before standing himself and sitting on the edge of Cloud's bed, he clasped the boys hand in his own, bringing the appendage to his lips and placing a tender kiss to the slightly calloused flesh.

"You're my living legacy Cloud, I may as well be dead... I just... I did it for you... all of it and I'm sorry for what I involved you in, be everything that I'm not Cloud, be the hero I failed to be, all my hopes and my dreams, they're yours now, I don't need them here. I wish you remembered me kid... maybe all this wouldn't hurt so much if you did." He leant forward, gently pressing his lips to the younger's there was no reaction, his forehead fell against the blonde's own and he allowed a hand to trail through the Chocobo-esque spikes, "make sure you treat Aeris better than I did," he stood, his hand leaving blonde spikes the gesture oddly reminiscent of sand trickling through his fingers.

He had told Reno to take the boy to Midgar, he had watched them leave, the blonde glancing at him for a bit longer than usual but he ripped his gaze away to keep the pain from bubbling into his eyes. He wasn't sure what had happened between there and Midgar, but Reno had told him that the blonde had managed to lift the buster sword the other had given him, that the lights began to flicker behind sapphire orbs once again, Zack had smiled and retired to his room, it had felt worse than loosing Angeal, Aeris, so much worse.

Reno had sat beside him, squeezing his hand sympathetically, they sat in silence, all the while Zack thinking about the letters that Aeris had sent him, the way they had been so sweet and loving but unable to stir at his heart.

"You told him I was dead didn't you?" the red head sighed and leant back against the wall,

"Kid barely knows anything, he mumbled your name a couple of times, sure as hell don't mean he knows your mother's maiden name or remembers the first time you met, it's better for him this way Zack, it's better for you."

"You know nothing Reno, now get out," the redhead sighed and rolled his eyes, chuckling softly as he stood and stretched,

"You get so mad when we mention him, got a little thing going there Zack?" violet specked eyes narrowed dangerously and the SOLDIER merely pointed at the door, Reno got the hint and disappeared with a slam of the door. He stared at his hands in the darkness, the feeling of humanity slipping from him and he wondered if this is how it had felt for Sephiroth, had the General sat by and watched as he lost himself, as the doubt flooded his veins and Genesis' words imprinted into his mind, had he even considered it to be lies, or was the grandeur too great? Sephiroth had always desired to be so much more...

Amidst all the missions he was sent to do for Rufus, all the smirks from Reno, the all knowing glistening in his aquamarine eyes, he still managed to keep an eye on Cloud. To see the man he had become, see how much he had changed and it had destroyed him to see him forget, to see him become something that he wasn't, he was so hardened to life now, as Sephiroth had been. He had seen Aeris perish, Reno's grip on him tight enough to puncture flesh and he would never be able to explain the heated kisses that had followed.

He had seen Cloud at his lowest and he had fought with Reno and Rufus like a dog would a cat, he had demanded, he had begged, but in the end he had made the choice and he was where he was supposed to be.

_I'd never abandon you... _

He had seen ShinRa fall before his eyes, Midgar disappear into rubble, he had seen Sephiroth fall at Cloud's hands, he'd always assumed that he'd be able to save the General from what he had become but it was not what Rufus had desired and he had little choice where the President was concerned. AVANLANCHE had thought they were working alone but really they were just like him, just like the Turks, they were all Rufus Shinra's puppets, leading to his gleaming future.

All Zack had ever known faded before his eyes in fire and smoke and he turned away from it all with a heavy heart with eyes downcast and a wish to return to a time before, to when everything had been perfect, simple. If he could go back... if he knew what he knew now back then, he wondered what he would do differently, there was no other life for him besides SOLDIER, nothing else he could put his hand to and make succeed, he wanted that life back, Angeal with his wisdom, Genesis with his quoting of LOVELESS, Sephiroth with his strength and courage, Aeris with her bright smile and Cloud with his shimmering sapphire and pure innocence.

Geostigma had bit into the flesh sharply, if seemed to affect Rufus the worse and Zack could sense Sephiroth in it, in the way it choked and bruised, the way it caused Mako to flare as if tempting it to burst from the flesh. Zack never let it show but he noticed it on Cloud almost immediately, the fear had been crippling and as he'd watched him speak to Rufus through the crack in the door, he saw the boy he had once been hidden inside, scared, he had wanted nothing more than to hold him then, to forget Rufus and the promises he had made. He knew though that it wouldn't have helped the blonde to see him then, not when he had so much to deal with and though it bruised his heart in ways he couldn't understand he had watched the blonde go, had seen the sympathy reflect in Reno's eyes when the blonde had looked straight at the door Zack was stood behind, as if somehow seeing him. He disappeared shortly after,

Kadaj had appeared not long after and Zack had allowed him to rough up the Turks a little, under Rufus' orders of course, the President had wished to speak to him and when everything had become too much he had stepped in. He'd seen Sephiroth in the boy immediately and the surprise in the boy's eyes at seeing the SOLDIER didn't escape him.

"Well well, isn't this a twist in the tale, you kept a FIRST CLASS, very sneaky of you Rufus Shinra, I wonder if big brother knows, I believe...he mourns you still," he smirked stepping closer to the elder who merely smiled in response, "do you know where mother is?"

"Hell, we can only hope," Kadaj had lunged for him and he dodged the blow easily catching the boy off guard and kicking his legs out from beneath him, the silver haired male flipped himself back up quickly. Withdrawing his sword and Zack gripped for the Buster Sword that Reno had returned to him long ago, an exact replica standing on the cliff outside of Midgar where Cloud believed that he had died.

He wondered if he could go back now, if he could tell Cloud that it had all been lies, just like everything else, he didn't know how the boy would take it, would he understand or would it push him to fall apart?

"You shouldn't say things like that," Kadaj had mumbled, pushing the former SOLDIER against the wall with a loud thud, Zack's eyes had narrowed dangerously and he'd pulled away punching Kadaj hard enough to separate the two of them and send the smaller male stumbling.

"Stay away from Cloud," Kadaj had chuckled sheathing his sword as he backed towards the door,

"No can do," that hideous smirk again, "Can't have a proper reunion without our big brother," he was gone after that and Zack had glared at Rufus. He had found it so easy to blame all his shortcomings on Rufus, the man was guilty of so much after all, deep down Zack would never escape the fact that it had been his choice,

Sephiroth had fallen again and Cloud had suffered, Zack had known he could do it but his blood had boiled as he had stood in Rufus' shadow, a marionette on strings he could never break from. He had been walking the streets behind the President later, had bumped into a boy with brown hair and blue eyes being dragged around by a girl with a pretty pink bow much like the one he had given to Aeris so long ago. The boy had stopped and glanced up at him, staring at him with a look of mild confusion mixed with familiarity, Zack had smiled at him.

"You ok kid?" he had asked, kneeling down so that they were at eye level and the boy noticed the Mako that glowed in the elder's irises, so similar to Cloud's. "What's your name?"

"Denzel," he had answered with a smile "yours?" Zack had chuckled and ruffled the kid's hair the boy had raised an eyebrow at the gesture but continued to smile despite the confusion.

"Ah... well that's top secret," he chuckled standing to his full height once again, Tsueng was looking at him now, arms folded in a way that told him he was pushing it, he scratched at his head and shrugged softly, "looks like I have to go, take care of Cloud alright buddy," Tsueng wondered why he hadn't shot the idiot years ago, Zack merely smirked at the Turk as he strolled past him. Marlene came running back to Denzel, capturing his hand in hers once again,

"What are you doing?" she asked with a smile and he shrugged,

"That man seemed so familiar..." she had merely ignored him and continued to drag him towards the church...

XxxxXxxxX

_I do love Denzel lol, I don't know why I have so many Chocobo muses all of a sudden but they're all too cute to resist ^_^_

_So yeah had to post this, been wanting to for ages but laptop decided it was time to die instead, anyway enjoy and please review for a lollipop..._


	2. Chapter 2

_Sorry about the wait, this is chapter two and I hope you enjoy, thanks to everyone who has read, reviewed and faved you're all amazing, _

_XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX_

Tifa had ignored the boys mumbling, mainly because she was busy rather than disinterested in whatever he was babbling about, she smiled at him and nodded to pretend she had heard as she strolled past to grab another couple of glasses. He had growled in frustration, hands on hips, she thought he looked like a mini version of herself when she couldn't get Cloud to listen to her. After her second attempt to, unsuccessfully, side step the stubborn child she sighed and found herself giving in to his demands.

"What is it Denzel, I'm a little busy," she berated with a soft smile, he sighed softly, relieved to have finally gained the woman's attention.

"You haven't been listening," he accused and she sighed running a hand through her hair and placing the glasses down before crouching slightly so that she was at eye level with the boy, showing he now had her complete and utter attention.

"I'm sorry, what was it you wanted to say?" he smiled and quickly looked around before shifting closer to her,

"Marlene told me not to say anything," she raised an eyebrow at that, the girl wasn't usually secretive and it was obviously something Denzel was eager to talk about.

"I won't tell her you said, I swear," she smiled and he smiled back, "so what is it, you can't back out now, I'm far too interested," her voice was melodic as she spoke and Denzel nodded and leant in a little closer so that he was sure she could hear him over the gentle hum of the bar.

"You remember when Cloud fought Sephiroth, when our Geostigma was healed?" she nodded, smile holding even though her confusion was more than evident, what could Denzel wish to tell her about that, he had been in bed, body wracked with illness for the most of it. "When we were heading to the church to see you... I bumped into this guy..." he began and Tifa smirked and motioned for him to continue, he glanced around for Marlene once more before turning his attention back to Tifa, "he wasn't like a regular guy though... he was tall... he had eyes like Cloud's, bright with Mako,"

"Yazoo or Loz?" he shook his head watching as her eyes glazed with mild confusion, brow furrowing,

"He had black hair, spiked back, a scar..." he traced up from his jaw to indicate where it had been, Tifa's heart stilled and she grabbed the boys shoulders shaking him slightly,

"What was his name?" she all but demanded and the boy grimaced at the way her fingertips dug somewhat uncomfortably into his flesh.

"He didn't say... said it was top secret, the man in the suit wouldn't let him say," desperation seemed to burn in her eyes and she stared at him for a long time as if trying to work out if he was lying or not. "He was dressed in black, had a massive sword... he was like... well like that guy Cloud talks about sometimes," she let go of him then, falling back onto the floor, leaning against the cabinet behind her, "Tifa?"

"Man in a suit..." she mumbled to herself, "but... it can't be... they can't... he's dead..."

"No... I saw him, he's fine, really cool, he ruffled my hair, told me to look after Cloud!" he seemed proud of this and Tifa tried to smile but couldn't get the gesture to form on her lips,

"Zack... what happened..."

_XxxxXxxxX_

Rufus had begun to build his empire, a ShinRa not only focused on brining comfort to the world but preserving it as well, Zack wasn't entirely sure if he trusted him but he did as was asked of him, as he always had. Tsueng followed him more closely now, obviously unimpressed with the incident with the boy in the street, Zack said he needed to lighten up and Tsueng had said things would never be the same even if he did find a way back into Cloud's life, he hated to admit it but he thought the Turk might, for once, be telling the truth. Reno said it was all bull crap and smirked his trademark smirk as he lit his cigarette, despite himself Zack found some hope in the redhead.

When Tifa had phoned the redheaded Turk Zack knew he was in trouble, she screamed and demanded information and Reno had held the phone as far away from him as possible as to prevent himself from losing his hearing.

"You might have to repeat that... didn't quite catch it," he chuckled and pulled the phone away again as she responded with a handful of colourful words, "I was just kiddin' heard you loud and clear, as for Zack Fair you know as well as I do that he's dead so why you callin'? Not a good idea to be wasting the time of a Turk we're busy people you know." She hadn't bought any of it, and Reno rolled his eyes and shot Zack a glare when she spoke of the kid seeing him in the street, he merely flashed the redhead his own grin and folded his arms across his chest to watch the Turk wriggle his way out of this one, Tifa was often stubborn as a mule, if he remembered correctly. "Look Tifa there's nothin' to tell ya, don't know what to say, kid must have got something wrong, seeing things, Geostigma will do that to a person ya know," there was silence for a moment, blissful silence whereby Reno thought he had won, the victorious smile faltered however when she spoke up again.

"Don't make me mention this to Cloud," The Turk had bit his lip in the exact same way he did every time he had his back pressed to the wall, every time things looked tough, his eyes met Zack's and he sighed as he gave in to the woman he was talking to.

"What do you want from us Tifa?"

_XxxxXxxxX_

He almost hadn't changed a bit and her breath caught briefly as she watched him step out of the helicopter, the blades swirled dangerously kicking the sand from the floor into the air in a mini whirlwind, she covered her eyes with her arm until the blades had stopped and the sand had returned to the floor, only grains left clinging to her long dark strands. Reno growled as he stalked away from the helicopter, hands folded behind his head, the man that walked beside him was silent lifting his eyes to meet with bright chocolate brown.

They stopped less than metre's from one another, so close that he could hear as Tifa swallowed around the lump that was forming in her throat, so close to see the tears that sparkled against her bottom lash line. He smiled up at her, eyes bright,

"I thought you hated me," he chuckled and she smirked moving closer and enveloping the dark-haired male in a powerful hug, he placed his arms around her waist and thought he could smell Cloud in the strands of her hair.

"Never," she smiled up at him, bright and filled with life; she was so much older now, even more beautiful in the way she had grown into her body, filled with grace and poise, "thank you for saving us... I never did want to believe that you'd died... I always wondered..." he smirked and shrugged the two pulling away and Zack scratched nervously at the back of his head,

"Can't keep a good SOLDIER down," she didn't buy it, not in the slightest, maybe it was the way ShinRa had swarmed in after the fire, ripping away any evidence of any of them,

"What happened to you... why didn't you come back with Cloud?" his eyes were heavy with guilt, with a suffering she couldn't quite understand and her hand fluttered to comfort him but never quite managed to reach out and do it.

"He did what he had to," Reno explained, trying his best to light a cigarette despite the rising winds, Tifa shot him a glare and he quieted down finally succeeding in lighting his cigarette and leaning against a nearby rock as he smoked it and allowed the two to talk.

"So?" she prompted all sweet and warmth and he wanted to wrap his arms around her and breathe her in because she was so like Aeris now,

"I couldn't, come back..." he all but whispered his gaze falling slightly, "I wasn't helping Cloud, he needed to forget," he explained and watched as her brow furrowed in confusion.

"He misses you, so much," she hadn't meant for her words to burn him so fiercely but they had and she regretted the way they had so thoughtlessly tumbled from her lips.

"It's complicated, he was so ill, I was trying to get him to Midgar, to Aeris, had the whole goddamn ShinRa army breathing down my throat, anyone I'd ever known that could have helped was dead or insane, I did what I had to," she didn't like how cold it all sounded, how clinical, how desperate and isolating,

"Why does he think you're dead, why does everyone think you're dead?"

"I was a wanted man Tifa, Rufus cleaned the slate took the price off my head, off of Cloud's, so to the world I'm dead, even to Cloud with his jumbled memories and spoon fed lies, I never wanted any of it." There was little more than honesty and self loathing in his eyes, it swirled and danced within the Mako and she saw his pain, saw how deep it ran, grasping his heart and twisting, choking. "It might not have been right, but it was the best I had..." his hands clench at his sides, the leather groans beneath his grip, solid and deadly, he doesn't have to explain himself to her, doesn't even try explaining it to himself but for some reason he _needs _her to understand.

He needs Cloud to understand...

"Zack... he should know..." she's right of course, she's very rarely wrong, but the webs become ever so tangled and Rufus is perched at the top watching, waiting for them all to get caught up, Zack knows that this has been a trap for Cloud all along, he can feel it in his core in the marrow of his bone and it screams to him, begs him to keep Cloud at distance, keep him safe, protect him, always. Reno's listening it's obvious in the way the cigarette burns ever closer to the skin of his finger, Zack watches him from the corner of his eye finds himself wondering who's side he's really on and if he'll ever really know. "Zack..."

"It's best he doesn't, I should stay in his memories, I should have stayed in yours," he turns because the accusation in her eyes is too much for him to bare, because it's become far too easy for the once proud SOLDIER to walk away, to follow orders, to forget. Her anger flares and he thinks he can taste it on the breeze.

"He hates himself for what happened to you, what he thinks happened, he blames himself, how can you let him live with that when it's not even true, he deserves better and you know it, when did you become such a coward?" He wants her to go away, wishes she'd never stumbled into this horrible secret that he keeps so heavily guarded deep down in the pit of his stomach, he wished he hadn't stopped when he had seen that kid, but he'd looked so much like Cloud, like the Cloud he remembered, the recruit with those bright untainted eyes and he wanted just for once to pretend he was back when everything was so much easier, so simple.

"I know you'll never understand Tifa, but please just walk away, forget all of this, go back to Cloud but don't breathe a word of this, there are things in this world that should stay unseen to him," he grabs her then, pulls her close and brushes the hair from her ear she gasps as she slams into his chest and he holds her tight as the tears burn his eyes, "I'm trying to keep him safe..."

"Who's there for you?" tears slip from her eyes and she brushes at them angrily with the back of her hand, like she's let herself down in some way,

Despite it all, all the tears and the angry words all the heartbroken looks she heads home in silence and does what she promised to do, she keeps his secret, it's like a fire in her stomach but she keeps the facade and pretends that nothing's wrong. Cloud knows that something's different in the very way she moves, she seems to ache with every small gesture, like she'd trying too hard, pushing against a heavy weight until she's just about ready to break. He knows something is wrong, but he won't ask because he thinks it's something personal to her and that's not his business but if he only knew, if the thought somehow passed from her to him then it would still his heart until it was ready to burst.

_XxxxXxxxX_

Zack spends far too much time watching Cloud; he sits on an opposing rooftop shrouded in the darkness and follows every movement with his eyes, tries to ignore the way it shreds his heart and the way Reno's eyes burn into the back of his head. He's not meant to be here and Reno's not meant to let him but that's Reno all over, nobody has any idea who he's actually working for, most of the time Zack thinks he just does whatever the hell he wants.

It's much later when Cloud falls asleep at his desk, even later when Zack slips from the shadows and carries him to bed and tries to ignore the way the boy reaches for him even without knowing who it is. Zack breaks his heart daily, stood behind a wall of glass or in a shadow watching and waiting, waiting for Cloud to _sense _him to turn around and see him and realise he's not a phantom, that he's flesh and bone and there are no bullet wounds deep enough to kill, to shred, none but the one called Rufus Shinra.

He knows Cloud mumbles his name every night, chasing a memory in his dreams, he knows that he doesn't fully remember anything, that it's all just that little bit too jumbled and he wonders if maybe there is a grander plan that he's not seeing, not understanding.

Zack wants to reach out and touch the blonde chocobo mane, wants to feel the silken gold unravel against his fingertips but he knows that would be too much, that it would push him to breaking point and so he falls back into the shadows like the ghost he's meant to be. It's when he smells the cigarette smoke that he knows he's stayed too long, that there are places to be and people to appease and when he steps outside Reno never says a word. It's a pattern that happens more nights than he would care to admit to, it's his one weakness and far too many people know it.

He misses Cloud and some nights he'll sit and stare at the sky and he can feel the weight of the blonde pressed up against his side, strong and real and he daren't pull his eyes from the sky to look because when he does everything fades like shooting stars, like sand through fingertips. He remembers the feel of his hair, his skin; it burns him like nothing else he's ever known.

He doesn't know what more they expect of him, he's given everything for Rufus, every last speck that brought him to SOLDIER, that made him the hero he once believed he may have been. There's nothing left of him now, just dog tags that don't quite match up.

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_Ok sorry about the late update if people aren't aware I'm having absolutely mental computer problems, I think someone's out to get me . anyway I hope you enjoy and am hoping to get the next chapter up in time for Christmas, _

_Cookie's for all reviewers, _


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